Interview
Through trial and error, Anton Horeweg and Ingrid van Essen learned how to have a good conversation with parents. “If you see parents as equal discussion partners, contact will automatically improve.”
Tekst Maaike Lange - - 7 Minuten om te lezen
Image: Stijn Rademaker
In the staff room there are often complaints about parents. That they are meddlesome, critical or difficult. Anton Horeweg and Ingrid van Essen, authors of the book 'In conversation with parents' recognize it. From colleagues, but also from themselves. “As a teacher you want the best for the student and you know that the parent wants that too, but sometimes you forget that and you even think: that parent should first raise her child better.”
Behavioral specialist Horeweg was a primary school teacher for almost 40 years:
I really had to learn that parents are very useful to you. They can give you a lot of information about the child and you need each other to draw the same line for the child.
The authors freely admit that having a good conversation with the parents of your students is not at all easy. When Horeweg just left teacher training college, he thought: What should those parents tell me now, I studied for it for three years. “Very arrogant,” he now thinks. “We soon sit on each other's chairs. I think: those parents are doing something wrong in raising children. Conversely, some parents enter the school and shout: My child is not allowed to sit there, that student is not good for him to be around. Then as a teacher you think: Hello, it's my class. This creates a kind of conflict that lingers for a long time.”
6 tips for a good relationship with parents:
1. Don't sit in the seat of 'the better parent'
As a high school teacher, Ingrid van Essen discovered step by step that you cannot work with children if you do not fully involve the parents. Van Essen currently works as a systemic trainer and coach in the field of communication and behavior for educational organizations. “The bond between parent and child is unbreakable,” says Van Essen. “As a teacher you shouldn't touch that. It helps if, as a teacher, you gain insight into the bonds of loyalty.”
She gives an example from the time when she was still a history teacher and saw that a child was yawning in her class. Van Essen asked why he was so tired. "Playing games until three o'clock last night," was the answer. "Do your parents know about that?" she asked, to which the boy said, "I was playing games with my dad." “To not say anything about the father, not to take the place of the better parent, and shout 'that's not right', is very complicated,” says van Essen. “As a teacher, you may think that it is not okay to play games at night, but you have to realize that you are reasoning based on your parenting style.”
2. Postpone your judgement
How then to respond? Van Essen explains: “This student obviously saw my first reaction: Hey, it's so late, you have to go to school. Even though I didn't say it out loud. So I say: You can see that I am surprised, normally you sleep at 3 am, but tell me: how does that happen? I switch to asking curious questions and with that I look for the context. Maybe the father is a pilot and only has time at night to do something fun together. I leave the son, the father and the son-father bond intact. In this case, father and son appeared to be participating in a gaming tournament and playing against someone in America.”
3. Use times of peace
You build a good relationship with the parents of your students in times of peace, the professionals write in their book. In further education, parents are often only contacted if something unpleasant is happening. A student has been expelled or has low grades. It is better to express expectations to each other at the beginning of the school year.
For example, informal introductory meetings are held at Horeweg's primary school at the beginning of the school year. The children show the classroom to the parents. “The children are often very proud. Parents can come in whenever they feel like it. This creates a relaxed atmosphere. They automatically strike up a chat with me.”
Van Essen invited the parents of her mentor class at the beginning of the school year. “At that point we entered into some kind of contract. For example, I could immediately say very clearly about when I can be reached. I could also express my expectations. If there is something going on at home that makes learning difficult, I want parents to contact me, for example. I also made it clear that I would like to see all parents at the parent evenings, especially when things are going well.”
If a parent says: I was a big troublemaker at school and am a self-made man, then I know something about what the student gets from home about school.
Van Essen also asked parents to tell something about their own high school years. Parents like that and it gave her context about the child. “If a parent says: I was a big troublemaker at school and am a self-made man, then I know something about what the student learns about school from home. Some parents say: I thought school was a lonely time, or I was bullied a lot.”
4. Say 'sorry' sometimes
To maintain the relationship, saying 'sorry' is sometimes necessary. For example, if you missed something or skipped over something too quickly. Saying 'sorry' requires quite a bit of self-knowledge from a teacher and Horeweg had to learn it. “I was only able to say sorry when I started seeing parents as equal partners.”
According to him, this improves contact almost automatically. From that moment on, Horeweg started asking questions such as: How does he or she do that at home? What do you do if she shows this behavior? Because I find it difficult. Then parents dare to answer: Yes, we notice that too, we do it that way, or we don't know either. Then you have real conversations about what you encounter as a person in raising a child. I discovered this form of asking questions from within myself. I don't think there are really practical books for this, or I haven't been able to find them.”
5. Prepare your communication
In addition to saying 'sorry', communicating professionally with parents is important, but what does that actually mean? “It means that despite emotions or triggers you are still able to respond professionally,” says Van Essen. “Your primary thought in a conversation with a parent may be: what a meddling father or mother, but you breathe that thought in, allowing you to respond from a connection and see: Hey, something is bothering this parent and I have to ask about it. . You don't approach someone as a difficult parent, but as a parent who is having a difficult time: Tell me, what's going on?”
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Such a professional response requires preparation and practice, says Van Essen: “I prepared well for the conversations where I felt tension. I thought about what these parents stirred in me. In my case it was: You just can't teach. Your colleague could teach much better and keep order better. Then I thought: Oh dear, you're right, and I became very small. During the preparation I gave myself time to think about this, and I could think: Stay calm, it is not personal. This allowed me to redirect the conversation to the thought: these parents are just very concerned.”
6. Ask questions
Anton knows the same trigger, but had a different reaction. “When a parent says: You can't teach, I get very angry. I teach with my heart and soul, I have had to learn to swallow the anger and ask: How did things go in class last year or: What did you expect differently? Then you notice that parents have many concerns about their child's future. The parent feels seen as a human being when you ask them questions.”
'Did that parent really say it like that? It is often a gut feeling
In the meantime, Horeweg and Van Essen have trained quite a few teachers in conducting parent conversations. “Many teachers see the highly educated critical parent as a difficult parent,” says Horeweg. “Teachers have the feeling that the parent sees them as 'just a teacher'. They think that the critical parent wants to determine what the teacher should do in the classroom. Then my question is: Is that true? Did that parent really say that? Often it is a gut feeling. I do believe that parents are critical, but they are because something is not going well with their child. That's what you have to talk about. That's the key. If you are afraid of the parent, something is wrong in the relationship.”
Interested? The book In conversation with parents - a positive relationship between school and home is available from publisher Lannoo, for 29,99 euros.
